I'm trying really hard not to be upset, but I don't know how much longer I can do it. Seriously, it's my birthday and the only 2 people I've talked to are my dad and my grandma? That is fucking sad. No one else even took the time to call and say happy birthday. Yeah, I really feel loved. Then again, I never really did. I honestly think the only person who really cares about my is my mom, and she isn't even here.

It is 6:21 on my 19 birthday and the only human contact I've had is a call from my dad and a call from my nanny. Roommates aren't even here. This is no way to spend a birthday. Now I'm just fucking mad.

I'm going to be alone on my birthday. Literally. Not only do I not have plans, but no one is even going to be here. T is in Chicago and K and M are both back home. I know they didn't do it on purpose. It's not like I even made plans. It's just times like these that I wish I had more friends who cared about me. Even if I was home, the only person who would want to do anything is my mom. Last year, no one even wanted to hang out with me on my birthday. I only went home because I didn't want to be at school by myself. People are supposed to want to hang out with you on your birthday. They are supposed to make plans. Not desert you. Literally not 1 of my 4 roommates is going to be here when I wake up tomorrow. No one is going to be here to tell me "Happy Birthday!" How is this my life? I'm not a bad person but things never fucking go my way.

I wonder if he feels the same way about me as I feel about him. I should have talked to him more while I had the chance. Now I'm never going to see him again, and if I do, things won't be the same. I know they won't. I don't know why, but they will. He likes me. I know he does. I know he will miss me, just maybe not as much as I will miss him. Why do I build things up like this in my head, but then never really do anything about it. This will change. I will get a boyfriend. I will. I need one. They way he looked at me was different than the way he looks at everyone else. He tried to have real conversations with me. Not just stupid stuff about work. I can't believe I cried after saying goodbye to him. He asked if I was coming back, which means he wants me to come back, right? Unless he was just being polite, but screw that. How is this my life? I shouldn't be so upset over this. It was a stupid summer job. Why am I acting like it is a huge part of my life that I am being forced to let go of?

What the FUCK. Like, seriously even since I came back from the weekend at home Katy and Alissa have been super clicky. Like, whenever I'm with them the are both quiet and looking at each other and now we came home and Katy like, RAN over to alissas room and now they are like sitting in there laughing about god knows what. Like, Did I do something?!? I don't get it. They are seriously hysterical over there and completely ignoring me. What happened over the weekend? Did they make a fucking "shun sarah" pact. I don't get it. And I'm sure if Ibrought it up to either of them they would act like nothing at all was wrong.

Okay so, I dont remeber if I wrote down what I did yesterday, but all I did was the treadmill for 45 minutes. I tried to keep the speed around 4.0-4.-2 mph and an incline of about 5 or 6. Everynow and then I took a break and lowered one of them alittle. Today I did the harder eliptical for 20 minutes. I tried to keep it going pretty fast and I just left the resistance at 15. Then I did the regular eliptical for twenty minutes. I tried to keep the speed above 6 mph and did a little over 2 miles. Then I did the two ab machines and the two leg machines and one arm machine. I feel like it was a good workout because I'm pretty tired right now. For breakfast I had a bowl of Special K blueberry and then for lunch I had the rest of the hot wing hoagie I had for dinner last night. Yesterday I had a bowl of special K, a chicken and cheese sandwhich, pisachios, half of a hot wing hoagie, and then I had a slice of cold pizza =(. I was doing good up until the pizza. I think my biggest problem is eating so much white bread. I will try to eat another kind.

Okay so I ate my bowl of special K blueberry at 7:30am and it is now about 10:30 and I am having lunch. I made toast and put one slice of american cheese on it and two slices of bufflo chicken. I am also having a glass of water.

Okay so I went to the gym last night around 6pm with Brianna. I did the treadmill for 35 minutes and I ran at 6.2mph for 5 minutes. The rest I did at a pretty high intesnsity (like 4.2 mph or 4pmh at an incline of 5) Then I did the two ab machines and I did those two leg machines where to press your legs together and then push them apart. I didn't eat anything after because I just took a shower and went to bed. I woke up this morning and drove my mom to work and then I ate a bowl of special K blueberry with milk and some water and I drove my brother to school.

Okay so I ate a sandwhich that I made with stuff in the fridge. I took two pieces of white bread and I put on it buffalo chicken, american cheese, and my moms buffalo chicken dip. Then I just made it on the stove like a grilled cheese. I still want to eat something but I dont know if I am actually hungry or if I just want to eat because I'm bored (because I am pretty bored) I might have a few m&ms. Like 10. I want to go to the gym later and I want to go with brianna but I feel bad asking because I dont have a car so she has to drive.

Okay so I ate a bowl of Special K Blueberry (aka my fave cereal) with milk and then I did a Bollywood dance class on Fit TV and it was fun but it didn't feel like too much work. Then I did a Cardio Sculpt weight loss class. There were a lot of boxing moves and I felt like it was a god workout. I was able to do all the moves but I was sweating. I like working out at home because I don't have to wear shoes! I wish I didn't have to wear shoes at the gym, but I guess it wouls be gross if no one wore shoes and everyones sweaty feet were everywhere. I had a couple glasses of water and a piece of Extra Polar Ice sugarless gum.

Okay so yesterday (Jan 4th) I went to the gym with Brianna again! I did the thing that is kinda of like the eliptical for twenty minutes. I kind of wanted to keep going but Brianna didn't so I got off when she did. Next time I do that machine I will do it for longer. Then we did the two ab machines and left. I am most likely going to go today but I am not sure if I am going to do the treadmill. My new sneakers gave me bilsters so it hurts to walk but I don't want to wear my other sneakers cuz I think if I keep wearing these new ones I will get callouses. Maybe I will do the eliptical thing again. But for like 45 minutes.

Okay so I went to the gym with Brianna today. I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I had it on 4mph and at an incline of 6 for most of thetime. About the last 5 minutes I startedgradually lowering the incline and speed. After that I did the treadmill I did the ab machine that you push with your arms. I did 3 sets of 15 at 30 or 50 pounds I forget which. Then I did the backward sit up ab machine 3 sets of 15 at 30 or 50 pounds, again I forget which. Then I did the arm machine that you press straight out at 30 pounds for 3 sets of 10. I was so hard I could barely finish. I deff need to work on my upper body strength and core strength more along with cardio. I can't last long doin any cardio for very long, like running orjump rope so I deff need to work on that more. One of mygoals is to run lake Scranton by the summer. I think that is a reasonable goal. Its 3.57 miles and there are a little bit of hills but none of them are too big so I think I could do it if I really try. I went to Subway for lunch and had a footlong cold cut combo on italian herbs and cheese with chipotle sauce. The only thing I have been drinking todayis water and I had moreM&Ms. I can't wait until the huge bag is gone so I wont be tempted to have them anymore.

I just ate 5 M&Ms and I have like 2 or three glasses of water so far. I ate breakfast at about 10:30 so I am going to try to eat lunch around 2. I'm not sure what exactly I am going to do at the gym but I want to get a lot of strength trainging in because I did none yesterday.

Workout

Okay so heres what I have done the past couple of days:
January 2nd- I went to the gym with brianna. We did 20 minutes on the treadmill @ 4 mph. Then we did 10 minutes on the eliptical. I did a couple reps on one ab machine where you push out and then I did a couple reps on the ab machine where its like a sit up.

January 3rd- I went to the gym by myself and I did 30 minutes on the treadmill @ 4mph. I was going to do the eliptical but I had these really bad blisters on my heels from my new sneakers.

January 4th- I woke up and ate a bowl of special K blueberry. Then I went into the den to watch Degrassi but it wasn't on so I was channel surfing and came upon Fit TV which is awesome. I caught the end of this dance class so I only did about 10 minutes of it but then I watched this show called Shape Up! and it was an upper body workout so I did all of that. Then an Ab workout came on but it was really hard. It is acutally on commerical now. I did the beginning but then I sat out of one or two exercises cuz it was hard but I think I'm gonna try to finish. Brianna just texted me so I think we are gonna go to the gym in a litte.

New Year

Okay so it is now 2010. I really wanted to go out for new years but like no one was doing anything so i ended up going to bed at like 1opm. Thats why im awake now at 5:30am. I swear I am going to make this my best year yet. I'm going to lose weight, get a boyfriend, do a LOT better in school, START RUNNING get a job, ad make more friends. I want to start working out a LOT more. Once I get back to school that should be easierbecause I have Holly who will actually go to the gym with me. I already did 10 cruches this morninbut then I went and ate like 20 dark chocolate m&m's so I'm trying to make something healthy for breakfast. But of course we dont have anything healthy in our house. The kitchen is a mess because my parents had a party last night. I hope none of my friends had fun last night... I know that sounds mean but they all said they had nothing to do yet none of them called me so I hope they did nothing. So I will write back in like a week or so seeing how I did with my resolutions. I probably will have failed them all, but who cares? I'm just gonna die anyway.