Thursday, December 17, 2009
Okay so I made a new blog on Tumblr. I dont know why but I did. That one I might let people see so I wont say some of the personal stuff that I say on here about my friends and stuff. I seriously cant wait to just be done with school work, but honestly, im not really that excited to go home. When Im here I have Katy or Alissa or even Holly or Gina or Megan to hang out with but when Im home katy has pat and alissa has kristy and her family and I feel like I have no one to go home to. Sure I have my family but my dad and my brother dont want to spend time with me. I do miss my mom and I know she misses me, so Im excied to see her and spend time with her but she goes to bed early and I feel like I end up spending all day inside doing nothing while everyone else is spending time with their other friends. Even Brianna. I know she wants to hang out cuz she doesnt really have that many real friends. She seriously meets these random people on the internet which I think is weird. She said she want to go on a trip to King of Prusssia to see some guy and stay over night with him. I just think that is weird because I dont even know if she ever met him before because she told me she kinda didnt wanna go alone. I guess I would go with her but I think that would be weird for me, even if someone else came. Like, I honstly dont feel like I have that many people who caare about me. My mom does I know. But even my dad. Like, I always feel like he never wants to talk to me and its always forced when he does. And if he does wanna talk he is usually fucked up and acting like an idiot. My brother doesnt miss me either. I try to spend time with him but all he wants to do is play one of his stupid games. He just gets annoyed when I come into his room to talk. I really want a boyfriend but I will probably never have one because I am so fucking fat and ugly. Like honestly I wish I was just skinny. Even ugly skinny girls can get boyfriends but no guy wants to be with a fat girl. I wish I had an eaingsdisorder. Seriously like I dont even have that many friends. So many of them like emmy and michelleandkristy and colleen arent really my good friends. Like seriously the only people I talk to anymore are katy alissa and brianna and all of them have other people who care about them to hangout with at home. I really miss my mom. I dont really think about it during the day but now that I think about it I really do miss her. I feel so bad because my brother and dad dont spend time with her and she works all day to make money for them and I dont think they even appreciate her. I havent said I Love You to my mom in years. I want to. I really do. But I dont think I can and I dont know why. I do love her and I want her to know because I dont think she knows how much I really appreciate her but for some reason I stopped saying it and if I started to say it now they would think it was weird and make a big deal about it and idk why I feel like I cant. When I go home I am really gonna try to spend a lot of time with her because when im gone I miss her and I want her to know that. Im crying right now because all of this is making me sad. I feel bad for my parents because christmas is coming up and I know they dont have a lot of money. I really dont want anything for christmas but I know it makes them feel bad when they want to give me stuff and they cant. Its hard for everyone right now and I feel like my parents will feel like they need to give us more. Im pretty much bawling right now soI should probably stop. I really cant wait to see my mom now.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Okay so finals are coming up and i am kinda freaking out. I have to finish my english portfolio which consists of 4 final papers, all the drafts, inclass writings and discussion questions. AND I have to write a paper for politics of identity. AND I have to study for my law final. Oh yeah and I hav less than a wek to do it all =( I wanted to go out this weekend since have been beinga bum but i honsetly dont think that it is a good idea. if anything it will make me wanna write my papers lesss and therefore stress out even more the night before they are due. but after this week i have a whole month off for christmas and i cant wait to do absolutely nothing for four whole weeks. im sure i will get bored at home since there is nothing to do in scranton but at leaast i wont be writing papers all the time. ughh and i still need to clean my room and pack. i seriously have NO time to sdo anything. but of course i have time to sit online way too long on facebook/petville/farmville/fishville/youtube/twitter/blogging. its FINE. this semester is so close to being over and christmas is right around the corner and i swear i am not going to take this break for granted. our room is so messy i wanna puke. there are clothes EVERYWHERE and garbage and hair andeverything and i feel so overwhelmed when i am in the room that i cant get any work done and its so cold and windy outside i dont wanna leave so i end up sittting here do absolutely nothing productive. my sleep schedule is so weird lately. for a while i was staying up all night and then just crashing but the past few days i have been getting up before 8. i guess thats good since i have an 8am class next semester but i feel like i can only do work at night but since im getting up so early i cant stay up late so im not getting work done. its only 10pm now so i think im gonna go to bed early and try to go to the tech center tomorrow morning cuz i seriously have so much owrk to do i really cant put it off any longer or else i might not make it through the next week. if i have to take english 802 again i will be pissed. but i think if i really try i can pull it off. i cant stop listening to bad romance by lady gaga. idk why but the song is so good and the video is AMAZING. like, i cant stop watching it. i love the dance moves or something idk haha. ive also been obsessed with scenes from an italian restaurant and now i wanna learn to play it but of course i have no time here so that is one of my goals over break. along with watching all nine seasons of degrassi and reading the lost symbol and some jodi picoult books. im really going to try to work friday and saturday so that way i can kind of take a break sunday. we are going to get a funny movie and order coookies and brownies and be gross but only if we do alot of work the next two days. i swear this first semester went by SO fast. like, 1/8 of my undergrad career is OVER. i only have 7 more semesters left here =( so next semester i am going to try to live it up. i want to go out alot more because i can probably count the times i went out this semester on two hands. that is sad. but once it is nice it should be better. PLUS i dont have class on fridays so i can also go out thursday nights! weather or not i actuallly will depends on thesituation but i hope i do. my eyes and teeth hurt so i mut be tired. heres to a full next two days of work. 7 days left till break and 15 days till xmas!!!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Okay so my sleep schewdule lately is completely FUCKED UP. I went to bed last night at 3:00am and woke up at 2:30 pm. I slept for almost 12 HOURS. And now its 6:30am and im not tired. This is a problem. I have class at 10am and i know that by that time i will be completely tired. Im tired of being awake while everyone is asleep and when i do wake up no one is there. Like, thanks for going to get lunch without even telling me. You could have atleast texted me or tried to wake me up. Like I know its not their responsibility to feed me but it would have atleast been nice to like, offer. Whatever. And then they try to act like nothing is wrong and that its funny or something. Whatever. I dont really care. Hopefully over Christmas break I will be able to make my sleep schedule semi-normal. I will probably just screw it up more though. I have finals coming up and I need to write like, 4 papers within the next week. Im screwed. I know I will be able to get it done eventually but I really just need motivation to get started. I ahve my sexuality final on wednesday so I will be studying for that the next couple of days. Then after that my politics of identity paper is due. That is the DUMBEST CLASS EVER. Seriously it is the biggest waste of time I have ever seen. I would be more productive if i played farmville for 50 minutes every MWF. Whatever. I dont even have to go to that class again so I really dont care. After that paper I have to have my portfolio done for english which will probably be the death of me. I will most liekyl pull several all-nighters in the tech center which I'm sure will be a blasty blast. Then a few days after that I have my law final. That should be fun. I think if I honestly read and study I should do well. If not then i really dont even care. There are less than two weeks left till xmas and i am so excited but at the same time I know scranton is going to be soooo boring compared to philly. Hopefully Iwill be able to occupy myself there somehow.. I do think I will enjoy not having anything to do for a month straight but at the same time I know I will be so bored all the time and I will be wishing to come back to Philly.