Friday, June 3, 2011
I don't know why or how I always get into these situations. It's like I fall madly in love with some guy I've never met. Most of the time it is someone who I have never even spoken to. He usually doesn't know I exists. Everytime I think 'This time is different" but it never is, because I never do anything about it. I sit in my room and google them and look them up on Facebook and find out the most mundane facts about their life instead of actually talking to them or saying hi. Who the fuck does that? It's no wonder I've been single my entire life. This time though. This time I REALLY thought it was different. We even texted! Sure we met on Twitter. That is pretty lame, but even just from what I saw there, I felt like we were good for each other. Like we were meant for each other. I have no idea why we stopped talking. I have these crazy thoughts that he saw my Facebook and thought that I was too fat/ugly to even consider dating. Or maybe he thought I was using him to get to his friends. Or maybe he thought I was too young (there is a 5 years age difference, after all.) But, it's like, when we started talking, it's like we were instantly friends. We were joking and talking and it's like we already knew each other. He texted me in the morning, which sounds so lame, but no one ever does that to me. No one thinks of me as soon as they wake up. Maybe he thinks I'm not interested. Not true. But I feel like if I am the one to text him, I will seem desperate. I think that if he wanted to talk to me, then he would have. I want to talk to him and I'm not doing anything about it, so why should I expect him to? I can't. I don't even know him. He doesn't owe me anything and I don't deserve anything from him. Why am I so wrapped up in this situation? I bet he doesn't even think of me. We texted for 2 days. Sure it was flirty, but it was just texting. Nothing more. I wish it was something more though. He seemed like he would be so good for me. I was so excited when I thought we were going to hang out. Sure, I was fucking nervous, but I was excited. I was going to be like a normal girl. I was going to go on a DATE. I'm so glad I didn't tell many people, because it didn't happen and it would be so embarrassing for me to have to tell people that it didn't happen because we just stopping talking. You can tell how much he loves his friends. I wish I could have a group of friends like that. Like, I wish my friends looked forward to seeing me instead of me having to beg people to hang out any time I am in town. If I could date him, then I could join his group of friends, and then when his friends go on tour, I will still be there with him so he won't be lonely. Obviously I won't replace his friends, but I can be his person. I need a person. I wish I had one. Everyone else has their person. I need one. I don't know how much longer I can last being this lonely. Like, it's pathetic. If I saw someone else with this life, I would feel bad for them. I don't know why I think he is going to fix my problems. Fuck, he isn't even part of my life. I'm positive he doesn't think about me. If he does, it's as that weird girl who followed him on Twitter.