I don't know why or how I always get into these situations. It's like I fall madly in love with some guy I've never met. Most of the time it is someone who I have never even spoken to. He usually doesn't know I exists. Everytime I think 'This time is different" but it never is, because I never do anything about it. I sit in my room and google them and look them up on Facebook and find out the most mundane facts about their life instead of actually talking to them or saying hi. Who the fuck does that? It's no wonder I've been single my entire life. This time though. This time I REALLY thought it was different. We even texted! Sure we met on Twitter. That is pretty lame, but even just from what I saw there, I felt like we were good for each other. Like we were meant for each other. I have no idea why we stopped talking. I have these crazy thoughts that he saw my Facebook and thought that I was too fat/ugly to even consider dating. Or maybe he thought I was using him to get to his friends. Or maybe he thought I was too young (there is a 5 years age difference, after all.) But, it's like, when we started talking, it's like we were instantly friends. We were joking and talking and it's like we already knew each other. He texted me in the morning, which sounds so lame, but no one ever does that to me. No one thinks of me as soon as they wake up. Maybe he thinks I'm not interested. Not true. But I feel like if I am the one to text him, I will seem desperate. I think that if he wanted to talk to me, then he would have. I want to talk to him and I'm not doing anything about it, so why should I expect him to? I can't. I don't even know him. He doesn't owe me anything and I don't deserve anything from him. Why am I so wrapped up in this situation? I bet he doesn't even think of me. We texted for 2 days. Sure it was flirty, but it was just texting. Nothing more. I wish it was something more though. He seemed like he would be so good for me. I was so excited when I thought we were going to hang out. Sure, I was fucking nervous, but I was excited. I was going to be like a normal girl. I was going to go on a DATE. I'm so glad I didn't tell many people, because it didn't happen and it would be so embarrassing for me to have to tell people that it didn't happen because we just stopping talking. You can tell how much he loves his friends. I wish I could have a group of friends like that. Like, I wish my friends looked forward to seeing me instead of me having to beg people to hang out any time I am in town. If I could date him, then I could join his group of friends, and then when his friends go on tour, I will still be there with him so he won't be lonely. Obviously I won't replace his friends, but I can be his person. I need a person. I wish I had one. Everyone else has their person. I need one. I don't know how much longer I can last being this lonely. Like, it's pathetic. If I saw someone else with this life, I would feel bad for them. I don't know why I think he is going to fix my problems. Fuck, he isn't even part of my life. I'm positive he doesn't think about me. If he does, it's as that weird girl who followed him on Twitter.

I'm trying really hard not to be upset, but I don't know how much longer I can do it. Seriously, it's my birthday and the only 2 people I've talked to are my dad and my grandma? That is fucking sad. No one else even took the time to call and say happy birthday. Yeah, I really feel loved. Then again, I never really did. I honestly think the only person who really cares about my is my mom, and she isn't even here.

It is 6:21 on my 19 birthday and the only human contact I've had is a call from my dad and a call from my nanny. Roommates aren't even here. This is no way to spend a birthday. Now I'm just fucking mad.

I'm going to be alone on my birthday. Literally. Not only do I not have plans, but no one is even going to be here. T is in Chicago and K and M are both back home. I know they didn't do it on purpose. It's not like I even made plans. It's just times like these that I wish I had more friends who cared about me. Even if I was home, the only person who would want to do anything is my mom. Last year, no one even wanted to hang out with me on my birthday. I only went home because I didn't want to be at school by myself. People are supposed to want to hang out with you on your birthday. They are supposed to make plans. Not desert you. Literally not 1 of my 4 roommates is going to be here when I wake up tomorrow. No one is going to be here to tell me "Happy Birthday!" How is this my life? I'm not a bad person but things never fucking go my way.

I wonder if he feels the same way about me as I feel about him. I should have talked to him more while I had the chance. Now I'm never going to see him again, and if I do, things won't be the same. I know they won't. I don't know why, but they will. He likes me. I know he does. I know he will miss me, just maybe not as much as I will miss him. Why do I build things up like this in my head, but then never really do anything about it. This will change. I will get a boyfriend. I will. I need one. They way he looked at me was different than the way he looks at everyone else. He tried to have real conversations with me. Not just stupid stuff about work. I can't believe I cried after saying goodbye to him. He asked if I was coming back, which means he wants me to come back, right? Unless he was just being polite, but screw that. How is this my life? I shouldn't be so upset over this. It was a stupid summer job. Why am I acting like it is a huge part of my life that I am being forced to let go of?

What the FUCK. Like, seriously even since I came back from the weekend at home Katy and Alissa have been super clicky. Like, whenever I'm with them the are both quiet and looking at each other and now we came home and Katy like, RAN over to alissas room and now they are like sitting in there laughing about god knows what. Like, Did I do something?!? I don't get it. They are seriously hysterical over there and completely ignoring me. What happened over the weekend? Did they make a fucking "shun sarah" pact. I don't get it. And I'm sure if Ibrought it up to either of them they would act like nothing at all was wrong.

Okay so, I dont remeber if I wrote down what I did yesterday, but all I did was the treadmill for 45 minutes. I tried to keep the speed around 4.0-4.-2 mph and an incline of about 5 or 6. Everynow and then I took a break and lowered one of them alittle. Today I did the harder eliptical for 20 minutes. I tried to keep it going pretty fast and I just left the resistance at 15. Then I did the regular eliptical for twenty minutes. I tried to keep the speed above 6 mph and did a little over 2 miles. Then I did the two ab machines and the two leg machines and one arm machine. I feel like it was a good workout because I'm pretty tired right now. For breakfast I had a bowl of Special K blueberry and then for lunch I had the rest of the hot wing hoagie I had for dinner last night. Yesterday I had a bowl of special K, a chicken and cheese sandwhich, pisachios, half of a hot wing hoagie, and then I had a slice of cold pizza =(. I was doing good up until the pizza. I think my biggest problem is eating so much white bread. I will try to eat another kind.